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Divorce isn’t only difficult for spouses. The end of your marriage can have a significant emotional impact upon your children as well. Breaking the news to them that their parents are parting ways can cause fear and insecurity. Your children may react with a range of emotions — and it’s important to provide them with the support they need.
Here are several tips to keep in mind when considering how to talk to your children about divorce:
No matter how difficult it might be, it’s crucial to present a unified front with your spouse when you talk to your children about divorce. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page regarding how and when you will approach the topic and have a strategy in place to handle your children’s reactions. When both parents are present for the discussion, you are demonstrating to your children that you are committed to working together, even though you will no longer be living in the same household.
Prepare what you will say to your children in advance. Use clear, simple language that your children will understand. Write down your talking points and rehearse the conversation with your spouse. Consider using “we” language to show your children that both their parents are dedicated to ensuring their well-being.
Don’t announce your divorce in the heat of the moment — or wait until the last minute. Choose a time when both you and your spouse can calmly break the news to your children together. It’s best to avoid sharing the news during a holiday or other special occasion that may later be an emotional trigger for your children. Consider a weekend morning or another quiet time when there are no distractions.
Selecting the right location to tell your children about divorce is just as important as choosing the right time. Children need to feel safe and secure when they hear the news. Pick a place that is comfortable and quiet where you won’t be interrupted. Avoid telling your children in a public place so that you can focus on the conversations and the reactions your children may have.
How to talk to your children about divorce isn’t easy — but it’s vital to be honest with them. Your children may not understand why their parents are divorcing and they may feel stressed and overwhelmed. You shouldn’t discuss the details about why your marriage didn’t work out with your children. However, you should still tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way.
Learning that their parents are divorcing can leave your children feeling caught in the middle. They may also feel pressured to take sides. Reassure your children that both their parents love them and will continue to be actively involved in their lives. While many children believe they may have had something to do with the divorce, be sure to emphasize that they are not to blame for your marriage ending.
Children thrive on routine and it’s critical to prepare them for the changes to come. Talk with your children about what will change and what will remain the same. You might talk about where they will live and go to school — and what kind of schedule they may have. This can help the children manage their expectations, reduce their anxiety, and have a sense of stability. If they ask questions for which you have not yet worked out an answer, let them know that both parents are working on that and will let them know once a decision is made. Do not include them in the details, or the decision-making process.
Let your children know that any emotions they have about the news of your divorce are okay. Rather than try to cheer them up, encourage your children to share how they are feeling. Make sure your children feel heard and they know that their emotions are valid. Give them freedom to express their emotions, whether that is to cry, react with outbursts, or retreat to their rooms.
If you are struggling with how to talk to your children about divorce, consider seeking professional counseling. A therapist, mediator, or counselor can provide you, your spouse, and your children with the support you need to have this difficult conversation. They can also facilitate healthy communication and assist with explaining the reason for your divorce in an age-appropriate manner. In addition, a counselor can help your children manage their emotions and ensure they feel understood.
How to talk to your children about divorce can be hard. By offering skillful advice and compassionate counsel, a family law attorney can help to reduce your emotional burden and ensure your children’s best interests are met. At Strickler, Platnik & Hatfield, we provide personalized time and attention to our clients as we walk them through the divorce process. To learn more about how we can assist you with your divorce or family law matter, contact Strickler, Platnick & Hatfield to schedule a consultation.
We practice in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, D.C.
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