“Parental alienation” is a phrase that many people use without fully understanding its meaning. Sometimes one parent will accuse the other parent of alienation for saying something critical in front of their child. While that may not be good co-parenting behavior, it doesn’t, by itself, constitute alienation.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation is behavior by one parent in which that parent consistently exhibits unjustified negativity toward the other parent, known as the “targeted parent.” The campaign of negative statements and behavior is intentional, and is calculated to turn the child against the targeted parent. Parental alienation fosters hatred in the child toward the targeted parent; this ultimately damages the relationship between the child and the targeted parent, sometimes permanently.

It’s important to emphasize that in order for the negative behavior to be parental alienation, it must be unjustified. For instance, if one parent refuses to let the child spend time alone with the other parent because the other parent has been abusive, that refusal is a genuine effort to protect the child—not an effort to alienate them from the other parent.

In a divorce or custody case, alienating or “favored” parents often allege that the other parent has been abusive when that may not be the case. During litigation, the targeted parent may claim that the alienating parent is manipulating and/or influencing the child; conversely, the alienating parent claims that the targeted parent is the danger to the child. These cases can become a classic “he said/she said,” and are usually highly contentious and protracted. It can be very difficult to tell the difference between a case involving parental alienation and one in which a rejection of the other parent may be reasonable.

Is There a Difference Between Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Although they may sound the same, there is an important distinction between parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Parental alienation syndrome is a phrase coined by the late psychiatrist Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985. PAS describes a cluster of signs exhibited by children whose parents have alienated them from the targeted parent. “Parental alienation,” on the other hand, focuses on the behaviors of the alienating parent. Another similar, but distinct, behavior is narcissistic parental alienation; this occurs when a parent who exhibits narcissistic traits engages in the alienating behavior.

Although Dr. Gardner wrote at length about PAS, experts still debate the validity of such a syndrome. However, there is no doubt that parental alienation itself can occur and can have a devastating effect upon both children and targeted parents.

Signs of Parental Alienation

There are many signs that indicate that one parent has attempted to alienate their child from the other parent. Commonly exhibited signs of parental alienation by the alienating parent include:

• Generally speaking negatively of the targeted parent, including in front of the child
• Speaking negatively of the targeted parent’s extended family or new spouse and family
• Portraying the targeted parent as disturbed or dangerous
• Accusing the targeted parent of not loving the child
• Making false negative statements about the targeted parent to authorities, such as false accusations of family violence or child abuse
• Sharing marital or relationship conflict involving the targeted parent with the child
• Sharing legal information about divorce, custody, or child support with the child
• Restricting the targeted parent’s access to or visitation with the child
• Intercepting phone calls, messages, and other attempts by the targeted parent to communicate with the child
• Moving away or otherwise concealing the child from the targeted parent

Behavior exhibited by children who have been subjected to parental alienation includes:

• Consistently denigrating the targeted parent, criticizing them and calling them names
• Giving weak or even absurd rationalizations when pressed about the reason for their hatred of the targeted parent
• Insistence that their hatred of the targeted parent is their own, not something instilled by the alienating or “favored” parent
• Black-and-white thinking: the child perceives the alienating parent as totally good, and the targeted parent as utterly bad
• No guilt about their hatred or denigration of the targeted parent, since that parent is “bad”
• The child “borrows” scenarios or memories from the alienating parent to justify their own hatred of the targeted parent (but denies doing this)
• The child’s animosity toward the targeted parent extends to the rest of that parent’s family, often including grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and the targeted parent’s new spouse, stepchildren, and children.

A child who has been the victim of parental alienation may generally appear to be an emotionally healthy child until the targeted parent is mentioned. Then it can be as if a switch was flipped, and the child exhibits hatred and rage.

The Impact it Has on Your Children

Parental alienation is a form of emotional child abuse, and its effects can last for years, or even a lifetime. Because children who are alienated from a parent are often told that that parent doesn’t love them, they frequently suffer from low self-esteem and major depressive disorder.

When children are denied the opportunity to make their own decisions about the targeted parent, they become enmeshed with the favored parent and often have difficulty becoming self-reliant as adults. And because the alienating parent prioritizes their own needs over the child’s, children subjected to parental alienation may develop insecure attachment styles and struggle to form healthy relationships as adults.

All of the difficulties listed above contribute to an increased likelihood that children in these families could grow up to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol or otherwise have lifelong problems with attachment.

However, there is a distinction to be made between parental alienation and parental protection of children being abused. Parents have a duty to protect their children from harm and sometimes the other parent is the source of harm to a child. When one parent attempts to protect their child from the other parent’s abuse, the parent who is accused of the abusive behavior will almost always claim alienation. The situation is often an impossible choice because if a parent claims the other parent is abusing the child, a litigation battle will ensue where each parent is trying to prove that the other is the horrible parent and should have their access to the child limited or suspended. Such complex custody situations require the use of legal professionals who understand the dynamics of such a situation.

If you believe your ex-spouse, partner, or co-parent is alienating your child from you, or if you are being falsely accused of parental alienation by the other parent, you should consult a lawyer who is familiar with these conflicts. To learn more, contact Strickler, Platnick & Hatfield to schedule a consultation.