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Pop culture depictions like “The Brady Bunch” and “Yours, Mine, and Ours” paint a rosy picture of blended families. Sure, there’s the occasional comedic predicament, but in the movies and TV, everyone settles into one big, happy, family.
Blending two families can be a great source of connection and joy; having more people to love them and tend to their needs is generally a good thing for children. But the truth is that blending families is a lot harder than it looks on TV. Creating a blended family, like most important undertakings, goes better when you are aware of the potential challenges—including child custody complications.
On TV and in the movies, the former spouses of the parents blending their families are often deceased. That dispenses with the thorny issues of sharing custody and co-parenting with a former spouse. In the real world, of course, it is often the case that a former spouse or partner is very much present. A parent who is getting married needs to help their children settle into the new family structure while also helping them maintain a relationship with their other parent.
In some families, a former spouse is happy for, or at least accepting of, their ex-spouse’s new marriage. Sometimes, of course, that’s not the case. Can your ex-spouse prevent you from remarrying? Fortunately, the answer is no. Once you are divorced, you are free to date, and marry, whomever you choose.
In an ideal world, you and your co-parent would be on the same page with regard to how, and when, to introduce new romantic partners to your children. But when your new relationship becomes serious enough that you plan to marry, your future spouse is going to be a part of your child’s life, especially if your child lives with you much of the time.
That’s not to say that a co-parent couldn’t try to make trouble for you by seeking to modify your existing custody arrangement. Your former spouse might, for instance, argue that the new blended family dynamics is not ideal for your child and constitutes a “substantial and material change in circumstances” which necessitates an immediate change in custody because they claim that such a change would be the only way to properly serve your child’s best interests. Remember, just because your former spouse says such a thing to you, does not mean that he or she gets to decide the outcome suggested. Such a change in custody requires either your express agreement or the ruling of a judge. However, if you are hearing such threats, you should contact an experienced family law attorney immediately.
While it’s good for children to have more adults who love them, problems can arise when a new stepparent steps into the role of disciplinarian, especially if their methods differ from those of the child’s biological parents.
Of course, stepparents get to help make the rules in their households, but until there is a strong bond between stepparent and stepchild, the child’s biological parent in the same household should take the lead on discipline. It may be the case that your former spouse and their new spouse have different rules in their home than you have in yours. They could also have different methods of discipline within their home. While that’s not a problem in and of itself; if your child’s stepparent is disciplining your child in a way that you and the other parent disagree with, that’s a problem.
Certainly, if “discipline” crosses the line into abuse, you may need to take other action. Always contact the authorities in an emergency situation, and speak with your family law attorney as soon as possible to discuss other options.
When you and your co-parent are single, you may be able to choose to remain in close geographic proximity to one another for the sake of your child. But when one, or both, of you remarries, your spouses’ needs are added to the mix.
What happens if, for instance, your new spouse, or your ex’s new spouse, gets a new job across the country? When one parent wants to move away with their new spouse, does a child relocate with them? That answer is complicated and suffice to say – It depends. If you and your co-parent can agree on a new parenting plan, the court is likely to approve it. If no agreement can be had, then the parent who wants to move will need to request permission to move the child out of the area.
In Maryland, a parent seeking to move with their child must provide at least 90 days’ notice to the other parent and/or the court so that the other parent can pursue a change of custody if appropriate. A parent who opposes the move cannot stop the other parent and their new spouse from moving, but they may be able to prevent them from taking the child with them.
For many blended families, one of the most challenging child custody complications involves stepsiblings. It’s already an adjustment for children to get used to a new stepparent; with stepsiblings, they may have to get used to a whole new family order. Jealousy and resentment are common, especially when there are different rules for each parent’s children. If one set of children spends most of their time in the blended family home and the other’s children spend the majority of time with their other parent, it can be more difficult for them to “gel” as a family.
It’s important for the parents of a blended family to try to get on the same page with regard to house rules, and to make sure, if at all possible, that children have a way to retreat to their own space. They are dealing with a lot of monumental changes, none of them of their own making or choosing. It takes time and support to build a blended family, but the effort is worth it for your children’s best interests.
To learn more about child custody complications in blended families, or to get help with issues you are experiencing, contact Strickler, Platnick & Hatfield to schedule a consultation.
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