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Our mental images of ideal holidays tend to be of happy family gatherings. Iconic paintings and TV movies show families gathered around feast-laden tables; songs remind us that “there’s no place like home for the holidays.” But for many people, those picture-perfect images of families are no longer a reality. If you have been through a divorce since the last holiday season rolled around, or even before that, you may deeply feel the loss of a “traditional” family holiday, especially if your children are with their other parent.
Navigating the holidays as a divorced parent isn’t easy, but it may help a little to know you are not alone. Let’s take a look at some of the most common holiday challenges for divorced parents, and some of our top tips for surviving the holidays as divorced parents.
Every family is unique, and yet there are some struggles that are common to many families that have recently experienced a divorce. While the challenges may be unavoidable, the way you approach them can make them much easier to manage.
The holidays are often a chaotic time for families, and it only gets harder when parents are in two separate households and may have competing events. Will the kids attend Christmas Eve celebrations with Mom’s family or Dad’s? Where will they wake up on Christmas morning to open gifts? What happens if one parent wants to take the kids on vacation for holiday break?
Flexibility in co-parenting is good, but holiday schedules are no time to be spontaneous. Planning ahead helps everyone: children who need to know what to expect, parents who need to manage their own schedules, and holiday hosts who need a headcount.
Of those three, of course, your priority must be your children. Consider what events are most meaningful to them, and work to ensure they get to participate. If your ex’s extended family always has a big gathering the first night of Chanukah and yours doesn’t do much, don’t deprive your children of the opportunity to go to a party they’ve looked forward to for months.
If both parents’ families have events scheduled at the same time, the solution may be to trade off years: one year Thanksgiving is with dad’s family and Christmas Eve is with mom’s, and the next year it’s reversed. Many parents with joint custody specify their holiday schedule in their parenting plan so there is no confusion. The bottom line is that you need to focus on creating a schedule that’s best for your children, and some certainty for them about what the holiday schedule will look like.
Most parents don’t intentionally try to compete with each other over gifts for their children, but it happens, and once it starts, it snowballs. Perhaps one parent who earns more money but spends less time with the children tries to compensate with a big gift. Then the other parent feels pressure to keep pace. The result? Stress, spending more than your budget can bear, and perhaps envy when your child seems more excited about the gift from the other parent. Of course, a barrage of gifts from parents can also lead to spoiled, entitled children who ultimately play one parent against the other.
If at all possible, cooperate with the other parent to divvy up your child’s holiday wish list and set a rough budget for what you will each spend. If that kind of teamwork seems impossible right now, try to remember that your expenditure does not equal your child’s experience. They will not feel that the other parent loves them more (or less) because of what they spent on gifts.
In fact, in the coming years, your child will be much more likely to look back fondly on your traditions of baking cookies or going ice skating together than to remember an expensive gift. Focus on making holiday memories with your child, regardless of your budget.
One newly divorced parent we know is taking his young daughters to a pottery shop to paint ornaments to give to their other parent for Christmas. Not only is this creative dad establishing a fun new tradition with his girls, but he is also supporting their relationship with the other parent, which is good for everyone.
Settling into the holidays with divorced parents is difficult for kids, but it’s also hard on the divorced parents themselves. Your marriage wasn’t perfect, but it is easy to romanticize your holiday memories and miss the way things used to be (or the way you believed they could be).
Holidays after divorce are different. You may be on the outside of celebrations you used to attend, and missing your children when they are with the other parent. It’s not the way the Hallmark Channel tells us the holidays are supposed to look and feel, and that can lead to a lot of unpleasant emotions: sadness, self-pity, envy, and even shame.
It is hard to let go of those dreams of a Hallmark holiday. It’s natural to miss your kids, and to feel lonely when it feels like everyone you know is with their partner or family. Acknowledge your emotions; you have every right to feel them.
You also have every right not to get stuck in your emotions, or in some marketing image of what the holidays should look like. This time of year can be filled with joy, but it can also be filled with stress. Without the obligations you have come to expect, you are free to reshape the holidays into whatever you want them to be: an opportunity to vacation, volunteer, and create a work of art. Cook the foods you like; watch the movies that you want to see. Soon enough, your children will be back home with you, and their needs will once again take priority.
If we had to sum up everything we know about getting through the holidays as divorced parents, it would be these four words: put your children first. Simply do what you know to be best for them. Show them love and let them be excited about their holiday plans, even the ones that don’t include you. Don’t speak poorly about their other parent. Encourage them to enjoy their time with their other parent and extended family. Don’t make them feel guilty for leaving you to enjoy other holiday celebrations. Encourage their joy, and share in it when they return.
To learn more about getting through the holidays after divorce, contact Strickler, Platnick & Hatfield to schedule a consultation.
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