Joint Child Custody Exchange Rules

When parents no longer live together, joint physical custody is often the best arrangement for parenting. Joint physical custody means that the children have a home with each parent, and that neither parent is just a “visitor” in their children’s lives. But joint physical custody also means regular transitions for the children between parents’ homes. Having some child custody exchange rules in place can make the process easier for both parents and children.

Helping children transition between homes is like a dance: the more effortless it looks and feels, the more work that has probably gone into planning it.

Child Custody Exchange: Parents’ Point of View

Child custody exchanges can stir up a variety of emotions for both parents and children. Parents are usually excited to have their kids back at home with them after they have been with the other parent. But if you have found yourself getting irritable with your children as the time approaches for them to return to the other parent, only to be filled with regret after the exchange, know that you are not alone.

This phenomenon happens for a number of reasons. When your kids are with the other parent, you miss the hugs and snuggles and giggles; the thousand little daily stresses of parenting recede in your memory. When the children are back with you, those challenges come flooding back, and as a single parent, getting everything done falls on your shoulders.

Then, when it’s time to get the children ready to be picked up by the other parent, or to drive them to the other parent’s home, you know you’re on the clock. If the children don’t seem to feel the same urgency, you may find yourself lecturing them or losing your temper. When the door closes behind them, you may spend the next several days wishing that you hadn’t been so grouchy.

Child custody exchange rules can be even harder when you have a contentious relationship with the other parent, when you feel like the parenting schedule is unfair to you, or when you’re still dealing with strong emotions from the divorce, like anger, guilt, grief, jealousy, or feelings of abandonment. Anticipating having to see the other parent, even for a moment, can cause your body to tense up as if preparing for a fight.

Child Custody Exchange: Children’s Perspective

Dropping off or picking up your children is one more thing you have to get done in the course of a busy day—that’s why it’s so frustrating when they drag their heels and delay the process. But for children, especially young ones, even a routine custody exchange is a big transition, and many children struggle with transition.

Your children may be conflicted: excited to see their other parent, but feeling sad or even guilty about leaving you. They may become emotionally distant when you want to connect or “zone out” when you need them to get ready, but often that means they are getting ready—they are mentally preparing themselves for the transition, like adults often do on the drive between home and work.

Custody exchange time can be stressful for children for reasons other than just the transition itself. Children love and depend on their parents, and are highly sensitive to tension between them. Constant alertness for conflict during custody exchange can make children anxious or tearful. (Parents sometimes interpret this as the child not wanting to go with the other parent, which can escalate conflict between parents and make the child feel even worse.)

Establishing Child Custody Exchange Rules

Every family is different, and the rules that work well for one family may not help another. Here are some suggestions for child custody exchange rules that have a track record of success with many families:

• Make a deliberate effort not to lecture your child or show frustration during your last hour or so together.
• Remind your child a half-hour or fifteen minutes before you have to leave for the other parent’s house, or before the other parent is expected to pick up the child.
• Name and empathize with your child’s feelings around the transition: “I know it makes you feel sad and a little stressed to have to leave this house when it feels like you just got settled here.”
• Encourage and support the child’s relationship with the other parent, even if just by saying, “Have a good time with mom (or dad), I know they’re excited to see you.”
• Around the age of seven or eight, children can be responsible for packing their own bags, which may help them transition better between houses. You can give them a checklist to follow to help them remember essentials.
• Have small rituals around the beginning and end of parenting time: slip a note or cartoon in your child’s backpack for them to find later, or welcome them home with a favorite snack.
• Decide with the other parent who will transport your child to the custody exchange; the parent beginning their time with the child, or ending it. It may be better to be responsible for transportation at the end of parenting time so that the child is never waiting to be picked up—an unsettling feeling.
• Another good option is for one parent to drop the child off at school at the end of their parenting time, and for the other parent to pick them up from school to start parenting time. Consistency is important so the child knows what to expect and who is picking them up on a given day.
• Be at least civil, and hopefully cordial, with the other parent at the custody exchange, to help your child feel less anxious and more positive about the exchange.
• Be punctual. If you’re going to be late to the exchange by more than a few minutes, text or call the other parent and let them know. This is more than just a courtesy to the other parent; it reduces your child’s stress as well.
• Never use pick-up or drop-off time for potentially challenging conversations with the other parent. If you have something important to discuss, schedule a time to talk when your child is not around, or use a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard.

Ideally, you and your co-parent will agree on some child custody exchange rules in your parenting plan.

To learn more about how establishing custody exchange rules can make a potentially stressful transition easier on both you and your child, contact Strickler, Platnick & Hatfield to schedule a consultation.